Tag Archives: humor in writing

Clever Words for Clever People

Another good one from my friend Nicki N. Thanks, amiga!
 
1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES
What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX
Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.

 

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Final Insults From Famous People

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Some people are so clever. Enjoy these. Again, my thanks to Nicki N.
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”  
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”  —Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”  
—Mark Twain
 
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”  —Mae West
 “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”  
Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”  —Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”  —Billy Wilder
 “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”  
Groucho Marx

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Yet More Insults

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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”  -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”  -Winston Churchill, in response
 “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”  -Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”  -John Bright
 “I’ve just learned about his illness.  Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”  -Irvin S. Cobb
 “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”  -Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”  – Paul Keating

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For Your Entertainment

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
15. The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. A person sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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A Play on Words

Somewhere in yesterday’s New York Times, late at night, I read the following pun that made me laugh through my groan:

When Howard Carter made his amazing discovery in Egypt in 1922, among the magnificent artifacts in the tomb he found an extraordinary horn: in fact, it was a toot uncommon.

I do love words!

Howard Carter examines King Tut's mummy

Howard Carter examines King Tut’s mummy (Photo credit: ancientartpodcast.org)

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July 8, 2013 · 3:09 PM