Tag Archives: English humor

Pun Lovers of the World, Unite

From mi amiga Susana in Washington, DC. Enjoy!

 

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “You can
tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish,” and “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

 

The New York Times holds an annual competition to see who can create
the best original pun.

This year’s submissions.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians’ Club,
but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now
fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

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Very Punny

From my friend Susan from our UC Berkeley days; she knew I’d love these. Susan is (almost) always right.

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
8. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
9. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word “apocalypse”? It’s not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A three-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12.. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? “The suspension is killing me.”
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew its seams.
22. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

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Books and Authors

I’ve just returned from a week’s vacation with our children, one human grandchild, and our furry grandson, Gus the Havanese. Meet Gus, sweetest pooch in the world (except for yours).

 

 

 

It was a nasty flight home and I’m tired, so my offering today is a post I copied from a British website that focuses on grammatical and spelling errors in signs. I’ve altered the list a little to change the spelling of some authors’ names. These so-called books and their so-called writers struck me as funny. Maybe it’s due to jet lag.

How to Write Big Books, by Warren Peace

The Lion Attacked, by Claude Yarmoff

The Art of Archery, by Boze N. Arrows

Songs for Children, by Baba Blacksheep

Irish Heart Surgery, by Angie O’Plasty

Desert Crossing, by I. Rhoda Camel

School Truancy, by Marcus Absent

I Was a Cloakroom Attendant, by Mahatma Coate

I Lost My Balance, by Eileen Dover and Phil Downe

Mystery in the Barnyard, by Hu Phlung Dung

Positive Reinforcement, by Wade Ago

“Shhh!” by Danielle Soloud

The Philippine Post Office, by Imelda Letter

Halloween Games, by Bob Frapples

Stop Arguing, by Xavier Breth

 

 

 

 

 

 

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More Insults From Famous People

images-1.jpeg       
Hemingway, no dictionary in sight
Again, my thanks (and yours, I hope) to Nicki:
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”  -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”  
-Moses Hadas
 “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”  
-Mark Twain
 “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”  -Oscar Wilde

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