I love listening to the jargon that airlines spew. My guess is they use it to sound important and make passengers think they know what they are doing. Here are a few examples and my translations:
1. If your ticket is still in your possession… (If you still have your ticket…)
2. We will now commence the boarding procedure. (We’re going to start boarding now.)
3. This will expedite the boarding process. (This will speed up boarding.)
4. Welcome aboard Verbosity Airlines, servicing Pittsburgh. (Flying to Pittsburgh—bulls service cows.)
5. Make sure all electronic equipment is in the off position. (Turn all your electronics off.)
The brilliant George Carlin had a wonderful riff on “airline speak.” I’m paraphrasing here, but it contained lines like these:
1. “Our captain today is James Anderson.” The Captain! Who made this man a captain? Did I sleep through a military swearing-in?
2. “Be sure to collect all your personal items.” What else would I have? A fountain I stole from the park?
3. “Welcome to New York, where the local time is 5:00 p.m.” What else would it be? Bangkok time?
I swear, I will never forgive George for dying.